11 Year Anniversary: STEADY AND STRONG

Thank you to everyone for following and supporting my journey of grief, loss and love over the years. I hope you are being encouraged and your faith strengthened as you continue to journey with me. My yearly blogging is an attempt to capture and document the experiences of my journey with grief: the highs and lows, progress and setbacks and everything in between. Through it all, I remained humbled and hopeful. With eleven years under my belt the journey continues to unravel with steep learning curves. Nonetheless, I have every reason to be thankful. God’s mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness.

Amazed at how far along I have journeyed right from the early years of overwhelming grief to where I find myself presently is nothing short of the grace of God. The journey is arduous no doubt, but I am determined to carry on with grief work to stay on the path of healing and peace. As the years of my grief journey tick away, I am forced to also contend with the fact that age is catching up with me leaving room for some serious thoughts of facing my twilight years without my son, Jeggan. It is just a matter of time before reality stares me in the face. Scary as the thoughts may seem, I am confident that God is in control. My trust is not in chariots or horses but in the name of the Lord (Psalm 20:7) After all, He feeds the birds, clothe the lilies that neither toil nor spin… (Matt6:28) He will care for me too when that time comes. God has always promised me that I will never lack neither will I walk alone. I am constantly reminded that the journey is never over until it is over.

It is no doubt that the grieving process becomes easier and more manageable with each passing year. The terrain is less treacherous with increasingly familiar surroundings that provide opportunities for learning, growth and self-discovery. With every step, the path towards healing becomes clearer and well defined. Masking and suppressing my pain and anxiety especially in unguarded moments has caused my mental health to suffer and healing delayed so I am learning to be honest with my emotions. Therefore, I have chosen love over fear, guilt and shame and embrace my journey for what it is. It is in these moments that the crucial work of grief is appreciated.

Learning to live without my son, Jeggan is the most painful and difficult aspect of my journey. I miss Jeggan every single day. Jeggan would have turned thirty-eight (38) this year and I often imagined his life through the lens of his few coveted friends who have carved out beautiful and blossoming lives for themselves. What would Jeggan’s life be like in terms of his career, family and social life? He was passionate about education and helping others. He was a man of few words, a deep thinker who lived a quiet life. Ultimately, as a mother who has lost an adult child, I can only imagine the endless possibilities. Heaven alone knows what exactly Jeggan’s life would have turned out to be. Anyway, regardless of the outcome, I remain in a state of gratitude for the twenty -six years we shared together and the beautiful memories will always remain with me.
Psalm34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

My experience with grief in the past year is best described as wholesome, positive and evolving. I am encouraged and motivated daily to stay on the path of healing to experience living again. It is obvious that I am now in a better place and very much at peace with myself. The heaviness of grief now feels distant and the burden lighter. Even though I still deal with the absurdity and nuisance of grief, I continue to press on making the most of my pain. I challenge myself daily to face my fears and sometimes willing to step out of my comfort zone when dealing with grief. Not only am I evolving in my journey but gaining mastery over my vulnerabilities and triggers.

At this stage it would be foolhardy to assume that it’s is all done and dusted. Grief is a life long journey and it takes work to get there. However, one thing is certain and that is for as long as I live, I will always carry the memories of Jeggan with me in my heart. Jehovah Rapha, the God that heals. Heal me o God. Grief work is a daily struggle and the process is hard.

The highlight of the entirety of my journey that has worked in my favor has to be the establishment of the Jeggan Cole Foundation right from the very first year. Finding purpose in tragedy can be comforting. Without letting my awful experience with trauma go to waste I was able to use the Foundation as a means to get through the pain, regain my sanity and rediscover the new me in the process. I never sought after this journey, this journey located me. Like other survivors of grief, I was thrust into this journey with no warning or instruction manual. Presently, I have enough reasons to be hopeful as a result of the lives that have been touched and transformed through the Foundation. Jeggan’s dreams and aspirations are coming alive here and now. – a treasured legacy indeed.

Earlier on in my journey, the idea of healing and being at peace with myself seemed far-fetched. Even though I still deal with the absurdity and nuisance of grief, I continue to press on making the most of my pain. I challenge myself daily to face my fears and daring to go beyond my comfort zone. Not only have I evolved in my journey but my vulnerabilities and triggers are my strength. I am patient with myself. I commemorate positive milestones of my journey as often as possible even baby steps while working on difficult area

If there is one thing that I can pinpoint in the entirety of my grief journey that has worked well in my favor, it has to be the establishment of the Jeggan Cole Foundation right from the very first year. It’s been a worthwhile accomplishment that added purpose and meaning to my trauma. Without letting any of my awful experience with trauma go to waste I have been able to use the Foundation as a means to go-through my pain to regain my sanity and discover the new me in the process. The lives touched and transformed over the years as a result of the work of the Foundation is quite remarkable and gives me more reasons to be hopeful. Jeggan’s dreams and aspirations are being realized through the Foundation – a treasured legacy indeed.

The Jeggan Cole Foundation continues to support and mentor scholars in their educational journey lifting them out of despair and hopelessness. This is the story of Tijan a one time recipient of JCMF scholarship. JCMF supported and mentored him throughout his secondary school years until he earned his high school diploma. Upon completion, he was awarded government scholarship to pursue an undergrad program in computer engineering in India. While in university JCMF continued to follow and support Tijan’s educational journey until he successfully completed a four year bachelor’s degree program in 2025 and graduated with flying colors. “I am ready to go out there and give back to my community the way JCMF gave me a life line and made me a better person.” stated Tijan. Keep up the great work Tijan as well as all the other JCMF scholars.

It is noteworthy to mention that for eleven straight years the Foundation has been shipping boxes of various educational materials and medical supplies to the Gambia. To God be the glory!

Back to the incredible journey of a mother who lost her only child – an adult son eleven years ago. “How do I do it?” I am often asked. Without hesitation, it’s been through God’s awesome grace. Leaning into my Christian faith keeps me steadfast strong and hopeful. It provides me with much needed balance in my daily walk. It’s been a blessing to now support and mentor grieving mothers who are new in their journey having being a recipient of that same gift. I share the experiences of my journey with mothers struggling with loss as well as others dealing with other challenges. I find the experience gratifying and humbling. For instance, a young mother who was recently struck by the blinding force of grief reached out for support and asked the same question. In her despair, confusion and hopelessness wailing admitted that the pain was too much to endure. I comforted her and encouraged her to lean into her faith and more importantly to take one day at a time. This journey is not for the faint hearted. I wouldn’t have lasted a day in my journey had it not been for my unyielding faith and the love of caring people – with God all things are possible. I pray that grieving mothers find comfort, healing and peace. I do not wish this journey on any one. It is well.

Grief is already difficult and being around grievers can seem uncomfortable for many. What exactly to say and how to say it without triggering emotions is often a balancing act. Personally, it’s perfectly okay mentioning the name of Jeggan, around me and wholeheartedly welcome it because I like sharing memories of Jeggan or talk about the person he was. It s therapeutic. I need to hear his name, it keeps his memory alive and reassures me that Jeggan has not been forgotten or relegated to the annals of history. I love talking about my son even if it triggers my emotions. At the same time, I do understand that others grieve differently. Grieving is not a straight jacket and that one size does not fit all. Eleven years on I am more honest with my emotions. This is the Lords doing and it’s marvelous in our eyes.

To conclude, I am confident that the most difficult season of my journey is in my rear-view mirror. I believed that God’s restorative power is at work in my life. Gradually, I am giving myself permission to be joyful, engage in the things I once enjoyed especially doing them without ravaging guilt or misgivings. Jeggan will always be part of my life even in the new memories I am creating. As I continue on this journey of grief loss and love I prioritize my mental health. I will endeavor to protect it at all cost and operate from a place of healing and peace. Lastly, my prayer is that no one thrust into my kind of journey but again life happens. All the same I pray that my story inspires and encourages the people who need to hear it most and take comfort that it is well. My story is a story of faith, love, resilience and hope.

Thank you.